Thinking everyone in the room is judging you.

I'm pretty sure it's happened to all of us at some point. You say something stupid while you had everyone's attention, and now they're all judging you for your stupidity. The guy with the glasses that belong in the 90s, the girl with the whiny voice, the know-it-all who corrects every fact, and that person who you didn't even think was really listening because they were too busy updating their Facebook. Now you're almost certain they're updating it to mock you.


It would be one thing if these people were on your level, but your voice is clear, your glasses are modern, you aren't a nerd, and you'd rather be disconnected from the internet and spend real time with people. You're better than they are. So that they would judge you makes it burn a little stronger.


Maybe you haven't encountered this. Maybe you're getting a glimpse of what life looks like to someone overly prideful. And maybe I'm being way to obvious about what I'm trying to get at: you usually end up thinking everyone in the room is judging you because you are judging everyone in the room.


The college group from my church is spending the summer going through Romans, and a few weeks back, we talked about Romans 2 and judgement. For those of you unfamiliar with the passage, here's a key verse (Romans 2:1):


You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.


As Christians, I think we can often take this as not judging non-christians. But, it goes further than that. It's a blanket statement. We are not to judge that 'guy who claims to be Christian but only shows up to church on Easter' as much as we aren't supposed to judge anyone else.


The overall point here is that if you find yourself feeling judged, it's very likely that it is because you're judging others. And that's something we all need to keep in check because it can destroy relationships.

Insomnia.

For some reason, I'm having difficulty falling asleep this summer. Which is insane, because I'm usually the guy who can fall asleep with noise and lights and an uncomfortable bed. And it's a little ironic, because right before I was home for summer I watched several movies about guys with insomnia. One murdered a man. Another killed someone in a hit-and-run. The other worked the night shift at a grocery store. Hopefully, I can beat the odds.

An unexpected hiatus.

Summer got kind of busy.

Among other things, this blog has been neglected. I keep filling up my springpad account with ideas, but haven't gotten around to fleshing many out.

But, I've been reading a blog about writing blogs, and one of his suggestions is consistent posting. When I made this public and starting linking it to my facebook, I said roughly 1-2 posts a week, but didn't give much more structure.

So, I'm going to give it some more structure. I'm going to try to consistently post just once a week, by Tuesday night. (Meaning anytime before I go to bed on Tuesdays.)

This is not this week's post. That will come later today.

Black Swan.

In Black Swan, they are performing the ballet Swan Lake. This ballet has two main characters, the white swan and the black swan. To play each character, Natalie Portman has to take on two very different styles of dancing. For the white swan, she has to strive for perfection. She has to nail her technique on every move. For the black swan, it's different. The black swan is more of a free spirit. She has to let emotions take control over the technique she knows. An error is acceptable in pursuit of capturing the wild and unpredictable nature of her character.

As I watched, I immediately began to think of how the same contrast in styles comes about in music. I am very much a white swan when it comes to music. I know how to play because I know what note to play when. I can play lead guitar, but only within the limits of the scales I've memorized. I can't just play freely without a plan. I can't stand to mess up.

But, lots of my musical friends are just the opposite. They play freely from whatever feels right. They may or may not know the scale they should be in, but it doesn't really matter. They might play some wrong notes in the pursuit of finding what they want to play, but it only makes it sound that much better.

If you think about it, they're almost always those two general groups you can fit it. You're either naturally pretty good and wing it, or you take the time to prepare and learn how it's done.

Another example is public speaking. I generally wing it. I'll study my subject, make a powerpoint and notecards with some bullets of important points, but I don't really have a cut and dry speech prepared. I just know what I'm talking about and talk. Other people do prepare nearly every word. They practice it multiple times and memorize everything so they can run straight through it.

I don't think either one of the two is better than the other. They're just different styles with their own benefits.

So what are you more of? A black swan or white swan?