Irony.

I'm not absolutely certain if this counts as irony. I thought I understood it, and then people talk about how what we call ironic isn't really, and then there's hipsters and everything's ironic with them and it's just confusing.

Anyways, I just realized today that the two girls I have been serious about both rejected me for a guy named David. That makes me laugh.

I better watch out if my next girlfriend is close friends with a David.

Honesty.

Honesty means a lot to me. It's one of my most-valued virtues. I think it's cause, to me, honesty and trust go hand in hand. And when I say honesty, I really mean brutal honesty. The kind where you hold nothing back. I'd rather know the truth and feel a little hurt now than hear a lie or half-truth and find out the real truth later.

It's also cause of how I was raised. My parents didn't want to lie to me. I never believed in Santa Claus for that very reason. I don't remember a heartbreaking moment when I found out he wasn't real because I was never told he was real.


I meant for this to be more than "honesty is a big deal to me", but that's kinda how it turned out. Maybe I'll add to it later if I think of more.

Interrogation.

You may or may not know this about me, (you probably do if you've read any of this so far) but I don't mind answering pretty much any question. I don't feel like it's an interrogation or invasion of my privacy. You can ask me anything and I will happily answer.

At the same time, I don't generally offer up information about myself. I feel like volunteering to say anything about myself when there is a group of people that are talking is like saying that what I'm about to say is more important than whatever they were about to say, and I rarely feel that way. So, I tend to be quiet in groups.

Anyways, don't be shy to ask me about life. Ask me about my family. Ask me about my struggles. Ask me about where I find joy. Ask me anything, deep or shallow, and I assure you'll get a straight, true (I have a thing with honesty. I'll write about it sometime. Or you could ask me about it.) answer and get to know that much better.

A faded picture.

I really like relationships. Most any relationship, really. Brothers, sisters, friends, best-friends, father-son, mother-daughter, boyfriend-girlfriend, or husband-wife. I take great delight in them. Even when it isn't my own, I get excited. If I see a father taking his son out for ice cream, it makes me happy. That's a relationship working well. If I see a boyfriend do something special for his girlfriend, the same thing happens. It's a relationship working how it was meant to. How God meant for it to.

God built us to be relational beings, and try as we might to deny that and live independently, we know it. We desperately avoid loneliness. We may enjoy being alone occasionally, but we can't survive without other people in our lives.

The ultimate expression of this is in our relationship with God. Everything else is a reflection. An imitation. But that's why I enjoy them so much. I look at earthly relationships and think to myself "Hey! Look at that! That's what it's like with God!! Look how awesome it is! Do you see how much they love each other? It's even better with God!" Our relationships here are only a faded, torn, wrinkled, out-of-focus, black and white picture of our relationship with God, but I think that's a worthy thing to be excited about because it's such a great thing with him, that even the faded, torn, wrinkled, out-of-focus, black and white picture is pretty magnificent.

But, the problem is when I start getting so excited for relationships here that I get too busy to actually pursue one with God.

It's like I'm too caught up staring at this faded picture I'm holding to realize that the real thing is standing right in front of me, waiting and hoping I'll look up and notice Him.

Goodbye.

I need a lesson in how to leave places. I'm very awkward at it. I never know when conversation is dying or if it is just at a lull. Or when it is acceptable to leave when I have nothing to do. I especially am not good at farewell phrases. If I say bye and then we talk some more, I feel like I need a new phrase, and I always stumble over my words. The other day I told someone good luck for that reason. They weren't doing anything they needed luck-wishing for. I was just stumbling for a new phrase (I had gone through several already) and that slipped out.

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Me.

I like to be in control. I realized that the other day. I don't like being in control for the sake of power, but because somewhere inside me, I feel like I'm better at x and so I can assure the best outcome if I'm in control. And, if I can't assure the best outcome, at least, since I'm in charge, I know what to expect. There's nothing that terrifies me more than not knowing what to expect.

Tim Barnes.

Tim was my junior high youth pastor, my senior high youth pastor for a year or so, and has been a great friend ever since. I've met with him pretty regularly over the past three years to just talk about life. Tonight, I was able to talk with him on the phone and share about this past semester. It made my day, to say the least. I truly appreciate him and his encouragement.

Diversity.

Does it really matter? I know some friends who seem to think that lack of diversity is something to be concerned about. But I'm not sure I agree. I feel like groups of people hang out based on common interests. Oftentimes, it happens that shared interests are shared by people of the same ethnic or racial background. So, in a way, people segregate themselves, only it isn't based on race, it's based on interests. And, if you make a group diverse, then it becomes unnatural and forced, and I think that's worse than a natural lack of diversity.

So when is it a problem? I think it becomes a problem when it is based on race, ethnicity, social standing, wealth, etc. Then, it really is segregation. Also, I think it's a problem when it becomes exclusive. The groups I know that seem to lack diversity aren't opposed to welcoming in anyone. When people start getting rejected, it starts becoming an issue.

What do you think? Is diversity to be sought after?

Superiority.

So, I tend like being better than other people at thing. Who doesn't? It feels great to be the best.

Anyways, over thanksgiving break, I went back to the Donatos (pizza place) I work at and there were several people who I hadn't met yet. I really wanted to just tell them I had worked there all summer and knew what was what. I figured they were probably newer and less experienced than I. And, seeing as we hadn't met, it was possible they might mistake me as newly hired and try to tell me how to do things. (Oh, the horror.)

I ended up closing with the other driver who I hadn't met yet. We talked a little bit and I asked how long he had worked there so I could totally and selflessly have a chance to stick in how long I had worked there before he could start telling me what to do. And he didn't even really care. He was just like "cool".

And here's the kicker: I hadn't closed in a long time and forgot what all needed to be done. So, I ended up asking Albert what he needed me to do. And there was something in the way he responded, respectfully and humbly, that put me at ease and let me listen to him. I didn't mind doing what he told me, despite my intense desire to exert my supposed experience.

If I think about it, isn't that the kind of leader I should be? Humble and respectful? Yet, I often become consumed with trying to be the best that I probably alienate others by forcing them to acknowledge me as superior in some fashion. It's like I make life a contest and I have to be first.

For example, I don't understand Russell Crowe's character in Gladiator. He was supposed to be emperor, ended up a slave, and doesn't try to gain his rightful position. I would not stand for that, yet he takes it in stride.

Hopefully my diction here is excessive and I don't fail that horribly at all of this. But I'm sure it comes through. And it is something I should work on. So, call me on it. If I start trying to show off how I think I'm better at something, and it really doesn't matter, let me know. Cause it isn't biblical. I should consider myself no better than any other man because we're all fallen and all sins are equal. And we are to encourage and uplift one another, not tear down for personal pride.

A major decision.

I declared my major today! (Get it? The title is a pun!) I am now officially a Physics BS with a math minor (and by the end of spring, a part of UNC-BEST). It's exciting and terrifying. While I like having plans, I don't like not having much of a chance to change my mind. And with the classes I'll have next semester, I will either be way behind on some random major, or well on my way to a Physics BS. That scares me. What if I change my mind? What if the classes are too hard?

I guess more than I like having plans for the future, I like having security in my future, and while declaring my major definitely qualifies as plans, it doesn't ensure security.

Let's just hope I still have a life for the rest of college in the midst of all the science courses.

Evil.

I largely consider the existence of evil to be dependent upon free will, because surely a good God would not do evil. But, it is a consequence of our free will. For choosing God to be significant, there must be another option that we could have chosen. Yet, not all 'evil' can be attributed to humans. What about hurricanes, tornadoes, and other natural disasters?

Now, while this is closely related to suffering, that is not what I want to address. I believe suffering exists in the world because evil exists in the world. The root is evil, and I want to know why, when free will isn't involved, does evil exist?

Surely, this isn't a very well developed theory because I just now considered it. But, it's something to ponder.

Death.

I have a simple question: is death beautiful?

Now, I'm not trying to be emo, so let me explain. I considered this the other day as I walked around taking pictures of fall. Trees turning colors is so magnificent. I love it. So, why isn't human death equally beautiful? For Christians, it marks moving on to heaven. Funerals touch on that, but it's overshadowed by the loss of that father, mother, son, daughter, or friend.

Tags.

I feel like I should use them, and I might go back through and tag my posts, but it seems like so much work, and I don't care that much.

Two extremes, and the answer is a balance.

I feel like many lectures and sermons are given on how there are two extreme reactions to something. The lesson or sermon resolves that neither one of these is correct, but a balance between the two. I've heard SOOO many messages with this approach. It kinda drives me crazy. But at the same time, it is always so true.

The beard.

Last year, second semester, I started something. Or rather, I stopped. Whenever I went home to see Kayla, I would shave. Once I came back to school, I wouldn't until I was going home again (more or less). It wasn't a hard and fast rule, but I generally followed it. I saw her every two weeks or so, so I'd get a bit scruffy but not too terribly, and then I'd shave again. Kayla hates facial hair, so it was partly a sort of rebellion and partly laziness when I knew I could get away with it.

Now I'm growing out my facial hair. I'm kind of going for a beard. I'm kind of just seeing how well it grows in. I'm kinda following what I started last spring. Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since I last shaved. And tomorrow marks 4 weeks since I saw Kayla.

(This is somewhat unrelated and as such might could go in it's own post, but I'm gonna stick it in here: 4 weeks is also the longest period of time I've gone without seeing Kayla since before we were dating. I don't even know when it would've been. Well over two years ago though. That's odd to think about.)

Really listening.

I feel like many people 'listen' to sermons. They go sit through services, let words flow over them, maybe even agree with points and think about them a little, but then they go home to unchanged lives. I know I'm guilty of this, and I don't think it's right.

At the very least, I'm trying to make it my goal to really listen and process the sermons and messages I hear. Hopefully I can find applications and try to implement things I learn in my life.

October plans.

October is going to be a crazy busy month.

I'm home this weekend.

I have a paper due this week.

I have an oral presentation the week of the 10-17.

I go back to Charlotte to go backpacking/camping from the 15-16.

I'm going back to Charlotte to go apple picking somewhere else on the 16.

I'm going rock climbing at Pilot Mountain on the 17.

I have a test on the 18 or 19.

I'm going somewhere in Europe over fall break (20-24).

I'm fighting off hordes of zombies with a nerf gun after fall break. (25-30)

I'm dressing up as Dumbledore for halloween.

And in between all of that, I'm working at least 10 hours a week, going to class, doing homework, getting dinner/lunch with people, going to small group, going to large group, playing for worship, and who knows what else.


I feel like I must explain my seventh point about going to Europe. I want to at least.

Since my dad works for the airport, as long as there is an open seat, I can fly for free. For international flights, I have to pay tax, but that's it. So, I'm going to try to visit a friend in Austria. There are no direct flights there, so I'd have to take a train and I'm unsure about housing once I'd get there, but I'm hoping it works out. In the event that it doesn't, I've had plans put together for going to Paris for a while, and could always fall back on that. Either way, I fully intend to go overseas for fall break, and I'm excited.

Define: Sin

I wonder about what sin really is sometimes. My usual definition is something along the lines of "something that is displeasing to God", but that isn't very specific. So, if you want to get specific you might go to the ten commandments and list idolatry, murder, lying, stealing, adultery, etc. But is that all sin really is? I don't think so.

More exactly, I'm talking about how I feel like sometimes the church categorizes things as sins because the current culture looks down on said activities. Is drinking alcohol wrong? Is smoking wrong? Is getting tattoos or piercing wrong? I'm going to address these with what I believe about each of them.

Alcohol
Does the bible condemn drinking alcohol? No. It actually condones it to some extent. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine - alcohol. But what about underage drinking? I think the line is more blurry than we'd like to think. We are supposed to obey the authorities put over us. One of those is the government and their law says drinking underage is wrong. Therefore, underage drinking is a sin. Many churches make that very clear cut and say that you must repent for it. But, if the definition of sin includes this, then what about speeding, trespassing to go tunneling, or having a toaster in your dorm room? Those all break a rule that an authority has put over us, just like underage drinking, but we don't view them as these great sins that require repentance, and certainly the Christian church in general doesn't have much to say about it. But bring up alcohol and they'll talk for hours. So, what then is right? If any one is wrong, they all are equally wrong and should be avoided. But if any one is not wrong, then none of them are wrong and we, as Christians, could do all of them.

What I would like to point out is that the Bible does explicitly state that it is wrong to be drunk. But drinking doesn't have to lead to drunkenness. If every time you drink, you over indulge and become intoxicated, or if your family has a history of alcoholism, then maybe not drinking is the best option for you, but that doesn't make the drinking itself a sin - only the drunkenness is.


Smoking
(Here I am talking purely about smoking tobacco. Smoking pot is another issue that is more of mixture between this discussion and the above on alcohol since it is a) smoking and b) prohibited by the authority over us. I could talk about whether there is a potential sinful nature of smoking pot where it is legal to do so, but I don't care to get into that at the moment.)

Most commonly, Christians condemn smokers by quoting 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 that says, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." But this is taken out of context, the passage (verses 12-20) is talking about sexual immorality. For the sake of my rebuttal, though, I will consider it as a valid argument (because it wouldn't be much fun to argue against no argument). Basically, I'm taking the same approach as above: if the definition of a sin includes that which harms your body, then not only is smoking a sin, but so is sitting too close to the television, eating fast food, or letting yourself get sunburned. With those things you increase your chances of cataracts, increase your chances of cardiovascular disease, or increase your chances of skin cancer, which are all comparable to how smoking increases your chances of lung cancer. So, you either take them all or reject them all. I don't see another way around it. Yet, to a great extent only smoking has been looked down upon by the Christian community at large (though gluttony is making it's way there as well, it isn't as openly frowned upon as smoking is).

I would also like to point out that I believe being addicted to anything is a sin. An addiction is an idol - it's something that you think you need more than you need God. Cigarettes lend themselves to addiction. But so does caffeine and you don't see people getting bent out of shape over someone who needs to get their coffee fix every morning. Is being addicted to coffee just as bad as being addicted to cigarettes? I don't know. Along with this though, is the line between frequent enjoyment and addiction. When does that come along? Or, you could argue that just one cigarette won't significantly affect your health and therefore the above argument isn't violated, so to speak. But if one doesn't significantly affect your health enough to make it violate that argument, how many before it does? 2? 3? 10? 20? 100?

Tattoos and Piercings
I feel like this is less of an issue for most people, but I think there is still many people who are opposed and it has definitely been an issue in the past (or at least with my grandmother.) People quote Leviticus 19:28, which says," 'Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD." to argue against tattoos or piercings. Yet again, I can pose the same argument as above. The rest of the passage also condemns favoritism, hate, grudges, cross-breeding animals, cross-breeding plants, wearing clothes made of two materials, eating meat with blood in it, and cutting the hair on the sides of your head or clipping off the edges of your beard. If you're purely quoting it as "the Bible says it so you must do it", then it's all or nothing. But, that fails to see the purpose of this piece of text. The purpose was to differentiate the Jews from surrounding pagan groups. In the same way, I believe we, as Christians, should try to look different. How should that manifest itself? I'm not really sure, but I don't think it means there's a hard and fast rule against tattoos or piercings.


For any of this, you could also quote 1 Corinthians 10:23 which says, '"Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive.' How does that play in to all of this?


You might wonder why I'm so curious about these topics. Well, when I was in Spain and it was legal to do so, I drank beer, wine, and champagne and found them all to be delicious. I'm intrigued by smoking and see it as something I'd like if it wasn't going kill me. In my future, I could see any of these as being things I do, but my faith comes first. And I guess I sometimes see sin defined by the church as more of an agenda they're trying to accomplish and I'm more concerned about what sin really is.

Attachment.

I get attached to people. I don't know what it is, but my heart just goes out to certain people. One of those people was my manager this summer, Gwen. She means a lot to me. I saw her cry. I saw her laugh. I saw her freak out about insects. She showed me her life goals. She poked fun. She would rework the schedule for me. She cared and deserves to be cared about. Though, I feel like I often saw her broken-hearted. The thing is, she has moved to another store and I won't get to see her when I come back. Which makes me quite a bit sad, but at the same time happy, because she's now a General Manager of her own store. She's got another life goal crossed off her list.

Anyways, here's to you, Gwen. You were my favorite boss I've had.

Josh Mapstead.

Josh Mapstead died two and a half weeks ago. He was 19. He was a friend of mine. We used to hang out and once went and played paintball. But, as a result of various disorders, life didn't seem worth living to him anymore.

A lot of people had a lot to say about Josh, and that bothered me. I don't have much of anything to say. Usually, I think that's better. Sometimes, I think, simply sitting in silence is best.

I apologize.

The background got changed one day when I was messing with stuff and I haven't taken the time to undo it.

*Update: I fixed the blog so it looks nice!

There's one box...

...that I never unpacked after I got home from college. "Why not?" you may ask. Well, there is a bundle of letters in that box. All from this one person (you already know who it is, so why am I not being forward about it? I dunno). But I couldn't handle seeing them. They connect me to another time that I miss dearly and I couldn't take another reminder. Today, I'm alright with them - as a bundle. Yet, I still cannot take a letter out and read it. That would still hurt too much. I'm too emotionally attached to this person.

I talked to my former youth pastor on Monday about how emotionally attached I am and how I should deal with that coming into my sophomore year of college. Because, I feel like I could wait for a year and hope that being in the same place again will bring back what was. But that's dumb. I could date someone else this year. But I'm so emotionally attached still that it wouldn't be fair to this new girlfriend. I wouldn't be invested in the relationship. So that leaves me with doing nothing - but that feels a whole lot like my first option, unless I'm looking for a relationship, and then it starts to feel a whole lot like my second option. My pastor's advice: pray about it. It's been a healthy relationship that could continue in the future if it's God's will. But, if it isn't, it's still been a good relationship that's helped me become who I am today. And God will give me the wisdom to discern if only I ask. The Bible promises that exactly. It probably won't be tomorrow, and maybe not even the next day, but God will give me the wisdom. So let's see where it goes. I'm as much nervous as I am excited about this school year.

Advice.

I'm usually the kind of person that asks for advice on anything and everything. I like hearing other people's opinions on stuff I ask them about.

On the other hand, I've found that I HATE advice when I don't ask for it. That stems from me hating when other people tell me how to live (or even just how to do something). Which is because, if I don't ask you about it, then I obviously have it figured out or will have it figured out on my own. If I wanted help, believe me, I would've asked. But that itself stems from stupid ol' pride.

You see...

...it's not that I'm trying to hold on to something that's already gone, it's that I never actually let it go.

One big ball of confusion.

That describes my understanding of almost all of my life.

Body Clock.

People's bodies are amazing. They really are. But one thing sticking out to me right now is the body's ability to keep track of time, and more importantly, to prepare for certain things based on the schedule it has been given. For instance, if you wake up at 7 every day, your body should get used to it and naturally wake up at 7. That's crazy.

I have a theory. I think our bodies can do the same thing with emotions. For week after week, I went to Kayla's house on Tuesday nights. It was our date night. I would leave around 11, usually after sitting on the porch having a really nice talk. It's when I felt the most connected to her. Over the school year, I would call her on Tuesday nights. Usually starting around 9 or 10 and going to a little after 11. Again, one of the times I felt most connected to her. And now, it's a Tuesday night, shortly past eleven, and I miss her more than I usually do. I think my body is playing out the emotions I've felt on Tuesday nights at 11 over the past year and a half. It's kind of cool and it's kind of odd, but it definitely makes me miss Kayla so much more.

The cost to fill your tank.

People. Whether it takes you $30 or $50 to fill your gas tank, it has nothing to do with your gas mileage. It simply tells you how big your gas tanks it. Gas mileage is the number of miles traveled divided by the number of gallons of gas used. The size of your gas tank may be arbitrarily related to gas mileage in that the manufacturer doesn't want you to have to fill up too often so they will put in a bigger tank if you get bad mileage, but it is not directly or scientifically related to mileage. So stop bragging that it only takes $30 to fill your tank. That means nothing.

Opinions on Politics.

If you have one based in fact, I respect that. You have every right to logically argue your point of view and try to convince me that whatever is good or bad.

If you have one that is based on nothing more than bashing the political system because you don't think you like what's going on, please, keep it to yourself. You have no foundation whatsoever for your view, and sharing an uneducated opinion will do nothing more than incite supporters of the other side (most likely ones who also have no founding) to rally against you and those with your same view to rally behind you. What happens from then on? Bickering. It's pointless. And it frustrates me even more when God gets brought into it. I think things like "I hope Jesus comes back before this gets passed" or "Please pray for our president because he doesn't know what he's doing" are sacrilegious and, again, serve no purpose.

In particular, I'm talking about the recent health care bill. Many of my conservative friends are doing exactly what I described in the second paragraph and it makes me sick. Do I like the health care bill? I have no idea. But at least I know that I don't know enough about it to form an opinion, and that if I do research it enough to form an opinion, it will a be fact-based one that does not bash the opposing view.

Lent and Facebook.

I've never understood lent. My church has never done it and I don't think I heard about I was into my teenage years. But, what I do understand about lent is that you're supposed to give up something for 40 days and focus on God. I kinda look at it like fasting. Do you normally eat? Yes. Well, give that up for a little and use that time for you and God instead.

What else I don't get is people giving up Facebook and Twitter for lent. I'm not entirely sure why - they both fit into any kind of restricting factor I try to use to describe lent (...give up something you like, ...give up something you spend a lot of time on, etc.). But here's what I think it is:

Go back to the analogy of fasting. If you over-indulge on food, then is fasting the only solution you should be seeking? Should you go straight from gluttony into a fast and then back to gluttony when you're done? No, of course not. You need to fix the issue of over-indulgence. In the same way, I feel like the people who give up Facebook for lent are only addressing the issue for a small portion of time - they haven't gotten to the heart of it. Maybe they need to consider spending less time on it regularly if it's big enough to give up for lent. Otherwise, come Easter, they'll be back on Crackbook creepin' hard on all of their friends. And it'll probably even be worse for a bit while they try to catch up on everything that's happened.

A trust fall.

Remember doing trust falls in junior high? You have someone stand behind you to catch you as you fall backwards. You put whether you'll have bodily harm in the hands of one of your friends.

I feel like I'm doing that.

I feel like God wants me to go to Jamaica, but I'm not seeing where the money is coming from. I've barely gotten anything so far. I'm doing that trust fall and I feel like the ground is rushing towards me at breakneck speed. But I'm not sticking my leg back - I'm trusting God to come through and catch me before I hit my head.

It's definitely nerve-racking.

The Curse of Cain. The Curse of Ham.

In Genesis 4, Cain is cursed for killing his brother. The curse is that no matter what he puts into working his crops, he will yield nothing. He must live as a "restless wanderer". More interesting, though, is that he complains he will be instantly killed when anyone sees him. So, God puts a "mark" on him so that every man will know not to harm Cain. There is great debate over what this mark is, but one theory is black skin.

This is further supported by the curse of Ham. The curse of Ham can be found in Genesis 9:20-27. Ham sees his father naked and when he father finds out, he curses Ham to be a servant to his brothers.

Note that I did not just make a biblical argument for slavery. I am sharing something I've heard. I don't agree with it, but I find it interesting and thought provoking.

People I don't like.

I don't like some people. They get on my nerves. I don't know how they do it, but within mere minutes of being around them, I just want to strangle them.

How do I handle this? I avoid them. I try to hang out with them as little as possible and minimize the amount of interaction we have when I must be around them.

Is that healthy? Maybe. Maybe not.

Should I be so opposed to being around them? No. As a Christian, I should try my best to imitate Christ and a large part of that is love. "Love your neighbor as yourself." I love myself. I'm going to post about that soon. But I don't love my neighbors anywhere near as much.

But, here's my real dilemma: I don't feel like I can change how I feel about them. So, is it better to avoid them or not avoid them and then have them see me as a very poor representation of Christ?

Desensitized?

In one of my classes, we've read a lot about slaves in America and their struggles. We did reading on our own and then discussed the text in class. I found the stories interesting and thought-provoking. But, as other people started talking about what surprised them in the stories, many of them described these feelings of disgust they had. I had no such experience.

I skimmed back over the readings to see if I just wasn't paying attention and missed some horrifically graphic event and found none. There were things that I don't like and never want to see in person, but reading about them didn't turn my stomach inside out.

Once I started thinking about it, I feel this way about a lot of things. The other day, my brother showed me a video of a guy getting electrocuted. Again, I didn't like it, but it didn't really affect me.

Lots of people have talked about how you become desensitized to things when you're exposed to the often enough. Have I been exposed to enough violence and injustice that I lack a proper reaction? Or are the things I am exposed to not that revolting, others are just overreacting?

An even deeper question is whether being desensitized is bad. Should it make my stomach turn or should I be able to handle myself? I don't know.

Perspectives.

Even in this blog post, there are different perspectives. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to title this "Perspectives" or "Different views on the same thing." They're always multiple ways to see something.

This has become quite apparent to me recently. And not just in that there are different ways to see something, but moreso a realization that the people who are close to me are very likely to have different ways to see things. And it may seem obviously, but the way you see something really depends on where you are.

I can be decisive, and I am always pretty stubborn. And I see things through that lens. I figure out where I see something going, or at least where I want it to go, and I'm set. That's how it's going to work out. I do that with schedules, relationships, everything. But, guess what? Not everyone sees what I do. Not everyone wants the same thing I do. So, what I have decided on oftentimes isn't what ends up being. That's hard for me to deal with.

In realizing this, I am trying to live in the moment as much as possible. Forget projection and planning and live now. Because it isn't worth it to miss out on the now so I can be devastated that my plan didn't work out later. I've known that for a while and have been working on it, and while I certainly do better than I have in the past, I can do better.

Worse is trying to find a balance between now and later. I need to plan some things. I need to figure out my major. I need to plan for summer and submit applications. It's just hard to limit myself.

I feel like this is a complete "duh" kind of post. Sometimes I can be really dense. REALLY dense. And it takes a lot for things to dawn on me.

P.S. - This also applies to time and God. I read a post on Stuff Christians Like that talked about how people try to view time as a healer for our sins. And he poses a thought: maybe God doesn't view time as we do. Maybe it's just like a four year-old who sees all of the past as yesterday and just the past. The length of time between when we last sinned or last did anything doesn't matter. It's the past. What matters is the now. I found it interesting and thought provoking.

Just what I needed.

Wow. I am amazed at how things always seem to fall together perfectly. Maybe I look into it too much sometimes, but I don't think I always am. I hate it when people attribute everything to God. And I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just that when you had a flat tire and that guy stopped to give you a ride, it could just be some guy thought it would be nice to help you out. It wasn't necessarily God. I say that because I feel like I might be falling into that category, but I'm not. I honestly believe that there are things spoken to me by God at just the right moment. Things that get me right where I am.

Tonight, this is that thing:

"You are amazing. You are intelligent and wondrous. Everything about you makes me smile. Please, don't ever make me lose you. Stay with me forever; I'll care for you. I will always be here for you to run to. I will forever be cheering you on. To me, your beauty will never fade. You'll never disappoint me too much. You can trust me, I promise. I am so proud to call you Mine. What a delight you have been to me. My heart swells each time I look at you. You need never worry that I'll grow tired of you or cast you aside like an old book. I love you. I love you so, so much. You can't even imagine how much - you really can't! Please believe me. Please love me. Please...let me hold you close. I know you're tired. I know this is too much. I know your agony. Just lay down your head, and I'll lift up your soul."

A cohesive post about change?

Yesterday, I had this great idea about this post I would write today. I should've written it down. Cause I really have no idea what it was. So this is all you get.

I tend to conform.

So this is my first post.

Why do I even have a 'first post' though? Well, it seems a lot of people I know are ending up with blogs recently. Even my girlfriend has one. And hers was what really gave me the idea for mine. See, hers is private. And that's what's been stopping me from getting a blog - I don't really want people to read my thoughts. But, if you can make it private, why not?

I don't have much to talk about right now. I probably will later. But I just need to get this first post out of the way.